Flash Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bill Gates can choose his punishmentBill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I`m really confused on this one. It`s a tough decision; I`m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows `95 among other indiscretions. I believe I`ll do something I`ve never done before; I`ll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don`t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I`ll try Hell first." more...

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Mirror, mirror A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

Everything I Needed to Know About Computers I Learned in the Movies
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
All monitors and hand-held devices display 2-inch-high letters whenever you
need to see what the operator is typing.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they
do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and more...

Flash News:
A two seater plane has crashed in the graveyard in Punjab. Local Sardars have found 500 bodies so far and are still digging for more.

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display inch-high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or more...

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash.... ..and both his legs fall off.