Flash Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets,
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The files were nestled all snug in a folder,
The screen-saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse,
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
When up from the drive there arose such a clatter,
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...
The glow from the screen on the keyboard below,
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer.
And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick,
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He more...

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it more...

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your belly to see if you have pecs. (No.) Turn on the water. Check for pecs again. (No.) Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a sponge. (You don't use one.) Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Wash your penis and surrounding area. Wash your arse. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner.) Make a shampoo Mohican. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don`t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain`s desktop computer, even if it`s turned off.

Powerful computers beep more...

It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the United States Marine Corps.
Oral sex is a great way to firm more...

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

You Might be an Engineer. ..
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home. wife"
If your spouse sends e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
When your line to a prospective date is "Hi, what's your URL"
If you use a spreadsheet to divide the bill at a restuarant...
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas...
If Dilbert is your hero...
If, you are the only person you know who's VCR clock does not flash
00. 00. 00...
If, you first teach your kid to count in binary...
If, instead of buying your kid a dog, you build him one...
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says
CONCENTRATE
If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes...
I you've played Dungeons and Dragons...
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes...
If you saw the latest Star Trek movie the day that it opened...
If your wrist watch has more computing power that a 486DX-50...
If your idea of a "good more...