Flash Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill more...

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's Horses and all the King's men
Came and ate scrambled eggs again.

Father Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Mother Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
Granny Bear: Oh, will you all please cut it out?! I haven't even served
the porridge yet!

Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am?. .. Its twirly.

Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?. .. Because the poor had no money.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? WET rocks.

What is a plumbers favourite flower?. .. Draineeums.

What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin?. .. A jock more...

Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the
Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone! The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"

Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that!"
he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one more...

A math teacher gets called to the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, "We need a new Sex-Ed teacher and you are it."
The Math teacher exclaims, "But I have never taught Sex-Ed before what am I going do?"
The principal replies, "Well, you have until Monday to think of something, because that is when the class starts."
The math teacher decides that he is going to use flash cards to teach the Sex-Ed class, because they have worked extremely well in teaching his math class.
On Monday morning, the teacher is feeling very confidant. He walks into the room, and begins to teach the class. He holds up the first flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?"
Little Jill stands up and replies, "That's a breast and my mommy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Jill! It is a breast, and your mommy does have two."
The math teacher grabs the next flash card and asks, more...

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.
First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Twas the night before Christmas from our boondock house.
You could not hear a gecko, a shrewd or a mouse.
The zories(flip flops) were hung on the louvers with care,
In hopes that Guamanian Nick soon would be there.
The children were nestled in their G. I. Beds,
While visions of base housing danced in their heads.
With Mom in her bermudas and I in my shorts,
Had just settled back for the typhoon reports.
When out on the reef there arose such a clatter,
That I climbed a palm tree to see what was the matter.
Away mom flew to the window just like a flash,
No shutter to open, and of course there's no sash.
But the moon on the crest of the white drifting sand,
Gave a luster of mid-day to this remote is--land.
A vision is approaching, Ah! I see it now.
Why it's a miniature cart and eight carabao.
With a little old rider so lively and quick,
That I knew in a glance it was Guamanian Nick.
More rapid than more...