"Joke Time!!!" joke

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's Horses and all the King's men
Came and ate scrambled eggs again.

Father Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Mother Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
Granny Bear: Oh, will you all please cut it out?! I haven't even served
the porridge yet!

Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am?. .. Its twirly.

Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?. .. Because the poor had no money.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? WET rocks.

What is a plumbers favourite flower?. .. Draineeums.

What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin?. .. A jock o'lantern.

... {See the long one in the version 1 page about Dr. Seuss, too.}

Essay on harmful effects of oil on sea life from an elementary-age youngster in England: "When my Mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil. And sure enough, all the sardines were dead."

Exam question: What are the advantages of mother's milk over other forms of milk?
Answer: It's cleaner, it's cheaper and the cat can't get it.

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then a third spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a little like making a peeing section in the swimming pool?

"Eggplant" - A place where chickens work.

A six-year-old girl's view of "people:" People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are no good at all until they grow up and get married. Men who don't get married are no good either. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap. My mom is a woman and my dad is a man. A woman is a grown up girl with children. My dad is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when he was a little boy.

One horsepower: the energy required to drag a dead horse 550 feet in 1 second.

A famous magazine photographer was dispatched to a famous haunted house to get shots of the apparition residing there. In the haunted house, when the clock struck 12 midnight, the apparition appeared on the staircase landing. Amazingly, the apparition posed (like a super-model) for the photographer! But lighting was very bad at the moment and the camera flash batteries were LOW. Anyway, the photographer snapped away. But the pictures did not come out well because of the low batteries. He later explained to his boss at the magazine this way: "The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.