Flat Jokes / Recent Jokes

The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Ben figured he`ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife, Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you`ve been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called -- you more...

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy’s too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.
So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy’s feet are dragging on the ground.
They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.
They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.
The guy’s wife answers and says “Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where’s his wheelchair? ”

Q:WHY DID THE ELEPHANT SAID
TO THE DUCK"GOOD THING YOU HAVE FLAT FEET THAT GO WITH MY FLAT FEET"
A:SO THE ELEPHANT CAN STEP ON THE DUCKS FLAT FEET.

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again! ”
“What makes you say that? ”
he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again. more...

Even a two button mouse gives him too many options. Evidence for the theory of a missing link. Failed the Turing test. Fell out of the family tree. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Finds canonical humor collections amusing. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. Fired her retro-rockets a little late. Flaky. Flat out like a lizard drinking. Flying/landing on one engine. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack. Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them. Four bits shy of a full DEC. Four cents short of a nickel. Full of wisdumb. Full throttle, dry tank. Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.) Gasoline more...

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly and sweetly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lovey dovey little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite nite yet". The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first".
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your precious nosey-wosey all right? Let me help my sweetie sugar."
No harm is done, so she gets into bed and they make mad passionate love. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".