Flat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently."Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.


Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.

Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Why wont a witch wear a flat cap? Because theres no point in it.

    Stupid people should have to wear signsthat just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? Youwouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn'tsee your sign."
    It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comesover and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once ortwice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
    A couple of months ago I went fishingwith a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big' ol stringerof bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?""Nope - talked' em into giving up. Here's your sign."
    I was watching one of those animal showson the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's onlyone way to test it. more...

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and he was flat on his back with his legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad, our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee, Dad, that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't have been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".(at this point he was loaded drunk)He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"The man replied with "NO WAY!"And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from
the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."