Flat Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little kid is walking down the footpath with a flat frog tied to a peice of string. He walks into the Brothel and walks to the front desk and says "i would like to have sex with your disesed woman please." the lady at the desk says "why do you want to do that?"
the boy said "if i have sex with her i will get the disease then i will go home and the baby sitter will have sex with me and when dad takes the baby sitter home hes going to bonk her brains out then when he comes back he will have sex with my mum and when dad goes to work in the morning mum will have sex with the milk man and i hope the milkman dies from that disease because he is the on who ran over my bloody frog!!!

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing
breathlessly into a lengthy speech."Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't
know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake."I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan.""Gosh, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be *this* mad!"

a guys been sitting at the bar drinking for a couple of hours and he has to take a piss. when he stands up to go to the bathroom he falls flat on his face. the bouncer runs over to help him up. hey man the bouncer says to him, your way too drunk to be in hear i gotta ask you to leave! ok ok says the drunk just help me to the door. the bouncer helps him over to the door and outside. sure enough the moment the bouncer lets go of him he falls flat on his face. help me down to the end of the block the drunk asks. the bouncer helps him to the end of the block where the drunk promptly falls flat on his face. hey the bouncer says i cant carry you all over the neighborhood i got patrons i have to take care of! no dont worry about me answers the drunk, i only live a couple of blocks away. stay out of trouble the bouncer says as he leaves. the drunk then procedes to crawl home. when he gets home he finds that his wife is at home sleeping. this worries him because he agreed to not drink any more...

Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they more...

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”. (at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink? ”.
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you! ”
The man replied with “NO WAY! ”
And the wife said “YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!

Stupid People should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big' ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked' em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only more...

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He askedhis girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm hewent back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could notcontinue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands. She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm hewent back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been outthere five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm hishands. His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"