Flat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big' ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked' em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. more...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.

The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,' 'So, you've been out drinking again!''' 'Why do you say that?'' he asks innocently.' 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.''

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.
BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely more...

Late one Saturday evening, a woman was awakened by the ringing of her phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice she said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since she doesn't have any daughters, the woman knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear," she replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your more...

Before Columbus' discovery why did mankind think the Earth was flat?

Doesn't the Bible in Isaiah 40-22 state that the Earth is a sphere?

Do brainstorms come with thunder and lightning?

Does anyone ever stop to think that maybe just maybe this question is totally pointless?

Does thought depend on language?

Don't you think that a hunch is just creativity trying to tell you something?

Don't you think that if everybody thinks nobody rules yet if somebody rules the rest are not permitted to think?

Have you ever stopped to think and forget to start again?

How can you think out loud?

How deep does a thought have to be to be a deep thought?

How do we know if it's later than we think?

How do we know if we're thinking straight?

How does one' pay attention'? Any do they accept Visa?

If great minds really think alike then what makes them so more...

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again! ”
“What makes you say that? ” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called - you left your wheelchair there more...