Flat Jokes / Recent Jokes

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Yo mama's like...

- Yo mama's like a T. V., even a two-year-old could turn her on. - Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. - Yo mama's like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. - Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine... five cents a blow. - Yo mama's like Chinese food... sweet, sour, and cheap. - Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. - Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. - Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. - Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy. - Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. - Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. - Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner. - Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. - Yo mama's more...

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened. Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain. Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress. The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?" Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"...

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your
nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in
will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone more...

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got more...

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you more...

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!'' ''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ''The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.''