Flying Jokes / Recent Jokes

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me atechnically correct but more...

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of3.5 children per household, that's91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the more...

Quasimodo advertises for a man to ring the bells. The next morning, a fellow comes in with no arms. "Are you kidding?" say Quasimodo. "I'm serious," the man says. "Please, just give me a chance." "Fine," says Quasimodo. "Ring the bells." After all, who is Quasimodo to discriminate against the handicapped? The man runs up the stairs, takes a flying leap, rings one of the bells with his head-boing!-and collapses in a heap. Then he picks himself up, runs up the stairs again, and rings a different bell-boing! On the third try, however, he misses the bell completely, flies out the window, and falls on the ground, dead. Immediately, a crowd gathers around the body. When Quasimodo comes out, they say to him, "Who was this man?" "I never knew his name," he replies, "but his face rang a bell." The following day another man applies for the job, and he, too, has no arms. "I had a guy come in yesterday, looked more...

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...

A Filipino pilot who became well known for his absent-mindedness was invited to pilot a new flying boat. The pilot had a good time flying. After spending a couple of hours in the air, the pilot decided that it was time to land. He was about to make a landing on the ground when his assistant reminded that they were supposed to land on the sea. "Yes, I know. I was just testing you," answered the pilot. "I am not that absent-minded." So the flying boat made a safe landing on the water. Having accomplished this, the pilot, being proud for not committing a big mistake, opened the door and stepped into the sea.

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't
(appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
rotation of the earth, assuming more...