Foot Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is no such thing as child-proofing your houseIf you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can igniteA 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurantIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strongenough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and asuperman capeIt is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a20 by 20 foot roomBaseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up afew times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hitby a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's alreadytoo late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year old man says more...

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Definitions of A Diplomat:
Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
Can always make himself misunderstood.
Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
Can make nothing sound like something.
Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his more...

If an athlete gets athletes foot, what does an astronaut get? Missile toe.

Definitions of A Diplomat:Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.Can always make himself misunderstood.Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.Can make nothing sound like something.Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the more...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally more...

Tips to help you prepare for your new house mate...1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program more...