Force Jokes / Recent Jokes
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the SAME Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people inside.The same pilot jumped more...
… Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: ”DME volume unbelievably loud. ”
Solution: ”Volume set to more believable level. ”
Problem: ”Dead bugs on windshield. ”
Solution: ”Live bugs on order. ”
Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent. ”
Solution: ”Cannot reproduce problem on ground. ”
Problem: ”IFF inoperative. ”
Solution: ”IFF inoperative in OFF mode. ”
Problem: ”Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. ”
Solution: ”That’s what they’re there for. ”
Problem: ”Number three engine missing. ”
Solution: ”Engine found on right wing after brief search. ”
Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed' The Chicken Gun'Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun." It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour. .. The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds." My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues." I wonder why a' special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one." Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their' chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own more...
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been more...
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base "Requesting Radar". "What is you position?" asked ATC "You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied. After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One were changing frequency" "What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One "Youve got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.
Reading jerry298's story about the life-raft in the VW inspired me to write
down an incident that happened to me about 10 years ago. Like Jerry, it
took me about 5 years to see the humor in it.
About 10 years ago, I bought a used van to drive back and forth to my cottage
on weekends. It had previously been owned by a company called "Canada Dredge
and Dock." This gave it some notoriety since they were at the time involved
in a big local political scandal involving rigged bidding on dredging
contracts.
One weekend at the cottage I was giving it a good cleaning out
when I discovered a red cylinder labeled "Emergency Flare" in one of the door
pockets. I thought "Well, that's not a bad thing to have in the car." and
left it there. Sure enough, on the way home that weekend, we had a flat tire.
I should say that our cottage is in the middle of a very popular vacation
area north of Toronto, and the weekend in more...
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "... once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available more...