Fortran Jokes / Recent Jokes

- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it is hard to write, it should be hard to read.
- Real Programmers don't write application programmers, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. Real Programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get more...

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001

APL is a write-only language. In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to. With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers more...

Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.
Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.
COBOL
A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but more...

APL is a write-only language.

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's more...