Fortune Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mrs P goes to a fortune teller and has her palm read. "There's a disaster coming into your life. Your husband is going to die soon."
"I know," says Mrs P, "but will I get the death penalty?"
The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie
We know where you live.
You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
Everyone's meal today is on you!
The "special sauce" came from the floor!
Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
Your dog Sparky... he's no longer missing.
See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus.... maybe
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
__________________________________________
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
__________________________________________
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's more...
While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied,... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"