Forward Jokes / Recent Jokes

junior: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. junior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. junior: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. junior: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." junior: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. junior: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. junior: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. junior: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. junior Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has own more...

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s. . .
.. . sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911! ”. . .
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled “Join the more...

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer? ” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you. ” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and said with a very loud voice, “I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going. ”
The man then turned to his wife and yelled “Shut up stupid! ” The policeman continued, “And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m. p. h. and the speed limit is only 30. ” His wife then leaned forward again and squawked “I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me. ”
And again the man shouted at his wife “Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP! ”
The policeman then looked at the woman and said “does he always talk to you this way? ”
To which the woman responed, “Only when he more...

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night." The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he saidafterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn'tlook very convinced. Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward." Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT! " They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all more...

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for more...

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it`s more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor`s habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a more...

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to hell."