Fresh Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going." Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee." That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Martha Stewart vs Me... Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Babe Ruth
"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." - Lee Trevino
"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." - Jack Benny
"Golf appeals to the child in us. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past more...

A stupid guy is working at a grocery store. An old lady walks up to him and asks him how much are the apples, he says duh I dunno. Then the lady asks are the apples fresh, he says duh I dunno. Then the lady asks him if she should buy these apples, he says duh I dunno. Then the manager comes up to him and says that if someone asks you how much are the apples you say $
1.99, if someone asks you if the apples are fresh you says yes very very fresh, if someone says should they buy these apples you say if you don't somebody else will. Then a robber comes into the store and says give me all the money in the cash register. The stupid guy says duh I dunno. Then the robber says how much money is in the cash register, the guy said $
1.99, the robber then said are playin fresh with me, the guy says yes very very fresh, then the robber says should I shoot you, the said if you don't somebody else will.

Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh more...