Funeral Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
* * *
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man

'Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law.'

'Yes, I know... thats why I'm crying.'

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads"

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question, but it will make you think.
It is as it reads:
No one I know got the answer right-including me.
The scenario....
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man she didn't know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy, that she believed him to be just that!
She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and couldn't find him. A few days later she
killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at another funeral again (for her sister).

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this more...

This is a genuine psychological test:
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this
guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream
guy she believed him to be just that, she fell in love with him there but never
asked for his number and then... A few days later the girl killed her own
sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down.
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test
and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.
If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.