Gender Jokes / Recent Jokes

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same more...

What women say.... ..What they mean... ------------------------------------------------------------------- Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I just need some space. ..without you in it Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me. Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy- friend now I don't know; what do you want to I can't believe that you have do? nothing planned Come here My puppy does this too I like you but... I don't like you You never listen You never listen We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will. Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going more...

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.

Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.

Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

They have a lot of data but are still clueless. A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. The lights are on but nobody's home. Big power surges knock them out for the night. Size does matter Top nine reasons computers must be female:

Picky, picky, picky. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. Beauty is only shell deep. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. Always turning simple statements into big productions. Smalltalk is important. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. They make you take the garbage out.

Updated Version for the 90's woman:
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door more...

A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts. The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations. The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to more...