Gently Jokes / Recent Jokes

BANANA BREAD RECIPE
-------------------
Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
1 Large Banana
Method:
1) Look into laughing eyes.
2) Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing
bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
4) Add firm banana, gently work in and out until it is well creamed.
5) As heat starts to rise, plunge firm banana deep into fur lined bowl,
cover with nuts, sigh with relief and soak for 10 minutes.
6) Bread is well done when banana becomes soft.
NB:
Be sure to wash mixing utensils.
Do not lick mixing bowl.
If bread starts to rise, leave TOWN.

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one...
I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.
And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.
I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my more...

>>To All Men Traveling the Airways
>>
>>The Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts
>>to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The
stewardess
>>noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look
>>of pain and anxiety on his face.
>>
>>"Sir", she said, "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it
>>if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was
>>about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her
>>terms.
>>
>>The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling,
>>he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white
>>buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and
>>there was one red button labeled "ATR".
>>
>>Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit
>>there and more...

MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much more...

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !

An attractive woman enters a quiet rural bar and gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he reaches her, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. He does, and she begins to gently caress his full and bushy beard.
"Would you happen to be the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Could you get him for me? I really need to speak to him," she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, now clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."
"Tell him that there's no toilet paper in the ladies room."

On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that crap out, I'd kick his butt to the moon."