George Jokes / Recent Jokes
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "Godand me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I getup in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commentedDr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the dayDr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of hisrelationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) thelight goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed,"That old fool! He's more...
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, more...
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, George decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But, his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him instantly.
When good old George arrives at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" asked Saint Peter.
To which George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!" George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?" Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful." George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street." Osama asks, "And what do they say?" George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location. When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because more...
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0. 0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called?(a) Westerners(b) Southerners(c) Northerners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's more...
After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and goes to Heaven. Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the streets of gold. Thinking to himself: "It would be interesting to compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state." he approaches Moses. Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way! Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise. A few hundred years pass, and George Bush again sees Moses walking the streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses notices him. George asks: "Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state with you." Moses replies: "Well, the last time I spoke to a 'Bush', I wound up spending 40 years in the wilderness!"