Glass Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the more...

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where more...

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5: 30 on the dot. When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place. When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5: 30 and drink for each other. On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home. This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th at he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each more...

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the more...

Little Johnny came running into the house bawling his eyes out and cradling his hand.
"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked his mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it.
"OUCH! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" he whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked Little Johnny's increasingly perplexed mommy, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was teh strongest man around that they offered a standing bet for $1000.00
The bartender would sqeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, long-shoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said, in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered the bartender paid the man the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a more...

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference, ” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out.
He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo! ”
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: “Shay mister, taste this! ” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.
“It tastes like piss, ” more...