God Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth... the rest was made in China.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Why God Doesn't Have a PhD: 1. He has only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a referred journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. 17. He's been known to associate with more...

Some of these are EXTREMELY offensive. Women who are sensitive
should
probably skip this. Why women!? Any FCP or men too!!

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1. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm
and moist. A cunt is what owns it.

2. What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.

3. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position? The view.

4. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long
enough to build up pressure.

5. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if
you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

6. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one
way to shut a woman up!

7. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You
don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

8. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.

9. more...

One warm day, Mulla Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eyeing speculatively, the huge pumpkins rising on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! He mused. Just fancy letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!

Just then a walnut snapped off and cut down smack on Mulla Nasruddin's hairless head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said:

Oh, my God! Forgive my inquiring your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees!