God Jokes / Recent Jokes
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had to deal with His disobedient children: Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I more...
One day, God sent three politicians, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir to Heaven by mistake. So he told them,' I've sent the three of you here too early. You aren't suppose to die yet. Therefore, I'm going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a question that you want to know about.' So, Clinton asked' When is America going to become big and busy and rich?' God answered,' Another 50 years.' Clinton wept and threw a tantrum. God asked him his reason for his behavior and Clinton said,' I'm afraid I don't have that long a life to see that.' Next, Ghandi asked,' When is India going to be big and busy and rich?' God answered,' Another 100 years.' Ghandi reacted as Clinton did and gave the same reason for acting that way. Lastly, Mahatir asked,' When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?' This time, God wept.
Editor's Note: These are, naturally, from the era of the Bush administration...
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Draft The Bush Twins
Don't Mess With Mesopotamia
War Is SO 20th Century
When Bush Comes To Shove
Brains Not Bombs
War Is A Dick Thing, Peace Is A Heart Thing
George Dubya: Weapon Of Mass Distraction
Beat The Bushes For Peace
Weapons Of Mass Destruction: Look Under The Bushes
Drop Bush, Not Bombs
Bombing For Peace Is Like F*cking For Virginity
Evolve! Work For A Non-violent Future
If War Is The Answer, We're Asking The Wrong Question
Killing Innocent People Is The Problem, Not The Solution
Save America, Spare Iraq, Make Texas Take Him Back
Real Patriots Drive Hybrids
Drop Names, Not Bombs
Who Would Jesus Bomb?
Stop Mad Cowboy Disease
George Bush more...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None -- It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say Something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required more...
For those of you that might not have heard the REAL story of Christmas, enjoy!
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should deliver. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and more...
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions. Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened. Q: Why is it more...