God Jokes / Recent Jokes

Girls, allegedly so timorous and lacking in confidence, now outnumber boys in student government, in honor societies, on school newspapers, and even in debating clubs.
- Christina Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys
***
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
- Groucho Marx
***
A woman phoned the dry cleaners saying that the designer label was missing from her dress's neckband. Assuring her that they would look for it, the owner spent the whole afternoon searching the shop. Finally, he found the label in a trash bin. He cleaned and pressed it, and dropped it off at the customer's home. "Oh, thank you," she gushed. "I'm having a garage sale tomorrow and I can always charge a few dollars more for a dress with a label on it."
***
"Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb beer called "Ultra" which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker... aren't those more...

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."

So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down more...

So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

There Were Two Brothers, Who Were Very Naughty. If Anything Went Wrong In A Locality They Were Suspected. So One Day Their Parents Decided To Take Them To A Counsellor.
At The Counsellor’s Place, He Asked The Younger Brother: “Where Is God? ”
The Kid Went Blank. The Counsellor Again Repeated The Question. At This The Kid Cried And Went To His Older Brother Saying That They Were In Trouble Because God Was Lost And They Were Being Suspected For Stealing Him.

There is an anecdote to illustrate the difference between illusion and reality of living abroad. Sardar Santa Singh arrived at the gates of paradise and what he saw pleased him immensely: people riding large limousines, casino, night clubs, preety girls in bikinis and liquor bars. When presented before God he expressed his delight to be there. God looked up his record and said "Santa, there has been a terrible mistake. You are not due here till four years later. You go back to earth and we will send for you on the right time."
Santa Singh went back. He looked forward to returning to paradise. When he finally died and appeared at the pearly gates, the sight that met his eyes was different: men sweeping gardens, cutting wood and doing back-breaking jobs. Women scrubbing floors, cooking, washing dishes and soiled garments.
"This is not the paradise you showed me last time," he protested to God.
"Last time you came on a tourist visa," replied more...

Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Ranil W. visits God and asks him: "God when will I become the President in Sri Lanka." Hearing this, God starts crying.
Ranil W. is astounded and asks: "God why are you crying?" God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime."