Golfing Jokes / Recent Jokes

The season is upon us, and so that all you duffers out there are prepared, here's a little poem for you all to memorize and trot out as the need arises.
Trees: A Golfing Parody
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie.
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send.
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
(Author unknown, but with apologies to Joyce Kilmer)

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the followingconversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outgolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will buildher a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that Iwill remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy hasnot said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5: 30a. m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say,' Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater."

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to more...

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely."God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast."Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest."I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again."God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land."Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest."I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, "Dammit, I more...

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place.
First Guy: “You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I’d build her a new deck for the pool. ”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky. I had to promise my wife that I’d paint every room in the house next weekend. ”
Third Guy: “You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I’d remodel the kitchen for her. ”
They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn’t said anything. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal? ”
Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5: 30AM. When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge my wife and say “Golf course or intercourse? ” She says “Don’t forget your sweater. ”

This guy is out golfing with his buddy one day and he says, "Man I haven't gotten laid in what seems like forever. I don't know what it is I'm just not getting any." So his buddy says, "Hey man I'll lend you my Asian cleaning lady. She'll come in give you a beer, clean your house, fuck the hell out of you, and best of all she can't speak a word of English." So the guys like really man you mean it? And his buddy says,

"Yeah sure I'll send her over tomorrow."

So the next day this guy is at home and this cleaning lady shows up.

She hands him a beer, goes about cleaning his house, and when she's done stands over him and undresses. So they start going at it and she starts screaming "SAMPOWHY, SAMPOWHY!!!" And of course he starts thinking he's like super stud to get the lady to scream like that.

The next day he's feeling all good about himself and he's out golfing with his buddy again. On his first shot he more...