Good Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news... there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important more...

Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just
when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was o.k. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said o.k..
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good more...

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As more...

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
6. You shop 99 ranch.
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage".
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars..
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even more...

BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a more...

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry more...

One day Adam was at school. It was time for religion class. Adam brought a small pin-prick he found in the hall. When it was time for class, Adam had to sit next to the sleepy kid. The teacher asked the first question. "Who is our savior?" Adam grabbed the prick and poked the sleepy kid with it. The sleepy kid screamed "JESUS CHRIST!". The teacher said "Very good!". The teacher asked the next question. "Who was the first person?". Adam grabbed the prick and shoved it into the sleepy kid. "ADAM!" the kid screamed. The teacher said "Very good!". The final question came and the question was "What did Eve say after they had their last child?" Adam grabbed the prick and put hole in the sleepy kid. The sleepy kid screamed "ADAM! IF YOU STICK YOUR PRICK INSIDE ME AGAIN, I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF!". The teacher collapsed.