Goods Jokes / Recent Jokes

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
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Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box. Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other more...

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning
in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time" (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during
their unproductive time.
I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on
my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any
difficulties.
For your timesheets:
Job number Explanation
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5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 more...

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.
I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.
For your timesheets:
Job numberExplanation
5300Meeting
5300-100
Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200
Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310
Breaks5310-100
Waiting for Break
5310-110
Buying Snack
5310-120
Eating Snack
5310-200
Waiting for Lunch
5310-210
Ordering more...

It has come to our attention recently that many of you
have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts
of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However,
we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended
job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of
precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let
us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
...
Code Description
***
5316 - Useless Meeting
5317 - Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 - Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 - Waiting for Break
5320 - Waiting for Lunch
5321 - Waiting for End of Day
5322 - Vicious Verbal more...

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes more...

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they more...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after more...