Graduate Jokes / Recent Jokes

An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.
The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but
Johnny. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let
Johnny graduate, let Johnny graduate!"
The principal agrees to give Johnny one last chance. "If I have five apples in
my right hand and five in my left hand, Johnny, how many apples do I have?" he
asked.
Johnny thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."
And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Johnny another chance,
give Johnny another chance!"

At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan State, however, any despised college will do.
Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate. The problem was, he had never attended a course, or learned anything. The Dean and football coach wanted to graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.
Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of competence. So, at the graduation ceremony, when Bubba's name was called, he went up to the front.
"Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate," said the Dean. "What is two plus two?"
Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers, and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said, "Duh, four?"
A cry went up in unison from the student body, seated in their caps and gowns: "Aw, give him another chance!"

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in' 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40, 000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's more...

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students taken from the Harvard Crimson
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80, 000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Assistants:
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared tha you more...

1. Coca-cola was originally green. 2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. 3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. 4. Dumbest dog: Afghan5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 28. Amount American Airlines saved in' 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40, 0009. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 412. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/1213. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-3317. Average number of days a West German goes more...

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.