Grandmother Jokes / Recent Jokes

George Carlin
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in more...

George Carlin
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in more...

One day there was a grandmother, her 2 grandaughters, and her grandson and they were baking a cake. And as they were baking the cake their grandmother accidently put bullets in the cake, but she said that it will be ok. And so they finished the cake and the grandchildren ate it and a couple hours later her first grandaughter came downstairs and told her grandmother that she had peed out a bullet. Then a couple minuets later her second grandaughter came down and said grandma grandma I peed out a bullet. Then her grandson came down a couple minuets later and said grandma grandma guess what. and his grandma said let me guess you peed out a bullet too. Then, the grandon said no, I was jacking off and i shot the dog.

Bible ConfusionThe little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children`s Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a fewsweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honoredKing James Version, to her only grandchild.Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions,both about the family members whose births and deaths were recordedtherein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child`s questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?"

My grandmother is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... She drinks straight out of the carton.

George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up more...

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't more...