Grandmother Jokes / Recent Jokes

Wedding VowsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

A ten year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,' Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

A guy goes to visit hisgrandmother and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, hisfriend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.
As they'releaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says" Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them.

A Jewish grandmother was pushing her grandson in a stroller along the edge of the surf on the beach. Suddenly, a giant wave swelled up and crashed over the two of them, taking the little boy out to sea. The grandmother threw her hands up and shouted, "Oh, G*d! Oh, G*d! Don't let this happen! Bring back my little bushkin! I can't live without him! I beg you, please!"
With that, the wave returned and the little boy was placed at his grandmother's feet. She scooped him up in her arms, looked up to heaven and said, "He had a hat!"