Grant Jokes / Recent Jokes
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill... and now I know how you chose the name... Microsoft."
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the more...
A bus of 100 ugly people crashes and they all die...
They all arrive in heaven and God says before you go in I will grant you all one wish, the first person says "I wish to be beautiful" the next does the same and the next, God gets to about the 15th person and realises the man at the back is laughing his head off, but he carries granting wishes, all the people are still saying the same thing...
I want to be beautiful, I want to be beautiful, I want to be beautiful,
Then God finally gets to the man at the back who was laughing...
God says " Before I grant you your wish please tell me what you are laughing at?"
"Nothing" says the man
"OK" says God "What is your wish?"
The man says...
"Make them all ugly again!"
A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1."
The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
A man teed off from the seventh hole of his favorite golf course and wound up in a sand trap.
He went to retrieve his ball and found a leprechaun in the sand trap. "Well, you've found me, laddy," said the leprechaun. "I'll grant you one wish - either a year of great golf or a year of great sex."
Without hesitation the man responded, "A year of great golf."
And he enjoyed a whole year of professional grade golf. After the year ended, though, he went back to his terrible scores of before.
Again on his favorite course, he again wound up in the same sand trap and again found the same
leprechaun. The leprechaun promised to grant him one wish - with exactly the same choice as before, great golf or great sex.
Without any hesitation the man asked for "A year of great golf."
The leprechaun was astounded. "Laddie, you look like a red-blooded man. I don't understand why more...
A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.
She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".
He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".
She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!
A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!