Great Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Jock " They're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all.

Bill, a prominent southern California business man, got stuck in a traffic jam for the N-th day in a row and decided there and then that he had had enough. He made up his mind to liquidate his assets and buy a ranch in the middle of Nowhere Wyoming. Which he did.
He bought a ranch complete with a rather run down ranch house and set about to getting the ranch house up to code. He spent several months doing nothing but construction work.
One day he saw someone riding towards him over a far off hill. The rider eventually got up to the ranch house and introduced himself as Bill's nearest neighbor, and said he had been planning to come over and exchange greeting, but wanted to wait for Bill to get settled in.
Bill was pretty excited, as he hadn't really had any human contract for several months now, which was quite a change from his former life.
After exchanging greetings, Bill asked his neighbor "what do youall do for some fun around here"?
The neighbor more...

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them. 11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 10. 2 days without a human rights violation. 9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. 7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 4. more...

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out more...

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."

Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "Godand me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I getup in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commentedDr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the dayDr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of hisrelationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) thelight goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed,"That old fool! He's more...

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
“I do have three hearts, ” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100, 000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150, 000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500, 000. ”
“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life! ”
“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used. ”