Greater Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million-it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 5 I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe more...

Age 3: I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
Age 5: I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7: I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9: I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12: I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14: I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15: I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24: I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26: I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29: learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30: I learned more...

What have you learned??
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that everyone has their own opinion...I think I am right but that doesn't mean you are wrong. Age 27
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers more...

There are all kinds of dress codes and laws on a golf course, but more importantly, there are laws of life that you will adhere to if you play the game.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If more...

When Aristotle wrote his books,
When Milton searched for a rhyme
Did they have toddlers at the knee
Requesting dinner time? When Dante contemplated hell
Or Shakespeare penned a sonnet
Did junior interrupt to say
His cake had ketchup on it? When Socrates was teaching youths
And Plato wrote the Phaedo
Were they the ones to clean the mess
The children made with Play-doh? If Edmund Burke had had to work
On all the kids' ablutions
Would he have the time and strength
To speak on revolutions? Did food get bought when Darwin
Sought the origins of species
Or did he have them hush the tots
And tell them not to tease, please? When Holmes and Brandeis donned their robes
And gave their wise opinions
Was laundry piled four-feet high
With socks mixed up with linens? How much greater then the task
Of those who managed both
Who juggled scholarship with child
Development and growthAnd how much greater is the more...