Gross Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I more...

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall more...

Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating.
"Sir, could I bother you for some chili?" he asked very politely.
"Go right ahead" he responded, passing the chili.
About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared.
"Funny thats farther than I got," he said.

Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh (poo)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE STILL SEXUALLY ACTIVE
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May
issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother.
"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, more...

A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."