Ground Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer. A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it." But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader. The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day. He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead. He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him." Who is that guy?" one person says." I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell..."

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50, 000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50, 000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, more...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it."But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him."Who is that guy?" one person says."I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell..."

This is a good one...: )
-Mott

CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at
the
recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the
Indian
cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is
female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same
like
God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs
together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it
do?
Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so
forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also
his
other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat
cakes in
hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only more...

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head more...

Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets more...

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man is shopping for the cookout he's having. He notices a sign in a butcher shop window advertising 'Ground Sirloin: 39 cents per pound'. Entering the shop, he tells the butcher he would like 5 pounds of the ground sirloin.
"Sorry, sir," replies the butcher. "I'm all out."
Disappointed, the man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
"It's $3.59 per pound," replies the butcher.
"What!" exclaims the man. "The butcher up the street is selling it for 39 cents per pound!"
Smiling calmly, the butcher asks, "Does he have any?"
"Not right now, no. He told me he's out of it," replies the man.
Grinning, the butcher says, "Well sir, when I don't have any, I can sell it for 29 cents per pound!"