Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Into town I drove my tank
I was gonna rob a bank.
My money was running really low
As I got near I shouted "bank ho!"
Drove a hole right through the wall
Found I was in a shoppin' mall.
I 'poligized'n left through the hole.
I was definitely not on a roll.
I snuck a look at my GPS™
Blew up a truck labeled HESS™.
Then I proceeded towards the bank
Oh how dearly I love my tank.
Headed towards the Eastern wall
Ran a kid over, like a doll.
With a push and a heave, the wall broke.
The button "fire" I got ready to poke.
Oh so fun to rob a bank
'cept my hair was pretty lank.
Wouldn't believe how hot it was there,
Humidity is bad for your hair.
Shot down the security,
Their defense was very measly.
Then I headed towards the main vault,
Abruptly my tank came to a halt.
"Out of gas!" I exclaimed.
Hopped out but a guard I had maimed,
He took out a big gun and more...

A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said Im sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags? ”, asked the guard.
“Sand, ” said the cyclist.
“Get them off - we’ll take a look, ” said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word - but what is it you were smuggling? ” “Bicycles! ”

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you more...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!. .."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!. .. Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!. .. Aim!!. .."
. ..and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you more...

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "Whats in the bags?", asked the guard."Sand," said the cyclist."Get them off - well take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I wont say a word - but what is it you were smu ggling?" "Bicycles!"