Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three college friends, one each from the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge and Loughborough, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn`t have enough to get into the stadium to see the events.

So they stood around the gate, watching all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn`t have to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware shop and came back to try to get in.

The Oxford student walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried. "Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.

The Cambridge student, having rigged up a ball to a length of chain, approached the guard next and showed of his wares. "Hammer throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved more...

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started singing, "One more...

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with.""Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started singing, "One billion bottles of beer on the more...

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One more...

The inmate on death row was scheduled tobe put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guardswere being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specificfor his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if therewas something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this allday.Finally, when he was put before thefiring squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said,"just get it over with.""Well, is there anything that I cando for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a speciallast meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would reallylike would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with nointerruptions."The guard nodded and told him to goahead.The inmate started, "One billionbottles of beer on the wall..."

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."
The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.
When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

This blonde, brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says'meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells'who's out there? The brunette says'meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP."Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".