Gun Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde singer suspects her band leader is going to audition a new lead singer, so she decides to bring a gun to practice. Overcome with grief she walks in front of everybody and puts the gun to her head.
The bandleader sees the gun and yells, “No - Don’t! Don’t do it! ”
The blonde replies, “Shut up! You’re next! ” **

Deer hunting season is coming up... Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am -' 'Click''.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison more...

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied. “What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger? ” “No, silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, “I just paid $6000 for these, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ’” “So, then? ” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ’” “So, then? ” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought ‘This is going to make a loud noise, ’ so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear." What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear." I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred." Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass. All pissed off more...

1. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.
2. How do you kill a pink elephant? Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought more...

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot." I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger." O. K.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot more...