Half Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Why was the blonde housewife mad at her husband?
He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.

Once upon a time in China, there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupies only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some Caucasian tourists. As the wedding couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of' GAN BEI' (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder. One Caucasian gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him.' GAN BEI......... GAN......... BEI.........!!!' the cheers continued. Finally, the irritated Caucasian couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted,' IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR U!'

New Miracle Diet!
Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your more...

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to more...

"Can you help me? asked Alice."No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her more...

A Punjabi peasant was travelling by train with his two infant sons. When the conductor asked him for their tickets, he produced a half ticket.' You are three; you must have three tickets: one full and two halves,' said the conductor angrily.
'When we three travel together, I always buy a half ticket,' replied the peasant naively.
The conductor lost his temper,' You dunderhead, how can three persons become half? Just explain that to me.'
'Simple,' replied the peasant clambering on the upper berth.' See, one over two equals half.'

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium over-looking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."