Half Jokes / Recent Jokes
Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure more...
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. - Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus... breathe... push..."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. - An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. - The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list more...
A harp is a nude piano. A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
My penis is so big, when I get a hard on half my body goes numb.
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the oth er three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I more...
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"