"Toddler Miracle Diet" joke

Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure to check with your doctor... otherwise you might have to
see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1
bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass
of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be
eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop
in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and
put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch
Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup
of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.