Half Jokes / Recent Jokes

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and says, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, follow that guy and see where he goes." When the friend returns, the barber says, "Well, where did he go when he left here?" The friend looks up and says, "To your house, to screw your wife."

A sailor, knowing that ships are addressed as "she" and "her," wondered whether computers had gender. He asked two groups, one female and one male, to come up with four reasons for their answer.
The women concluded that computers were decidedly masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one you realize that you could have had a better model if you had only waited a bit longer.
The men answered that computers are certainly feminine, because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with their own kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one more...

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have testicles.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why don't men eat more M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!!!
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
Why do more...

Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch? They dont want to have to retrain them.

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
In the office we more...