Hands Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands,
but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."
Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."
Mary: "It's so terrible."
Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?"
Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money
in sight.."
Patrick: "So, what is it?"
Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn... prostitute!"
Patrick: "WHAT!"
Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"
Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul!
How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"
Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could
still love me, even though I had been a whore."
Patrick: more...

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall talesbegins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walkingdown the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under arock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bitits head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still heretoday." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

There were three midgets, and all three wanted to be in the Guiness Book of World Records for having the smallest of something... The first midget wanted to have the smallest hands, the second the smallest feet, and the third (you guessed it) wanted to have the smallest dick.
They went to get themselves measured, and the first little midget came out all happy because he had the smallest hands. The second midget came out all happy because he had the smallest feet... but the third little midget came out all pissed off and said, "Who the fuck is Osama bin Laden?"

Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable more...

At the Yale-Harvard football game, a Harvard man was horrified to see a Yaley leaving the men's room without washing his hands.
"At Harvard," he said haughtily, "we learn to wash our hands after urinating."
"At Yale," the other retorted, "we learn not to urinate on our hands."

My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with a neighbor girl to church for First
Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says, “God be with you.”Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, “God will get you.”

A big Scot is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He points out the window. "See that dock in the lake? I built that dock with me own hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? No!!" and downs his pint.

He next pointed out the chair and table in the corner, the fence outside, all sorts of similar projects, and says "I built that with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do call me MacGregor the handyman? No!!"

He stares into his beer, whispers, "And you fuck one sheep."