Hang Jokes / Recent Jokes

Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship

14. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.

13. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You're With" plays in the background.

12. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.

11. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.

9. Now that MCI has placed an account executive in your apartment, you're constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.

8. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.

7. You need an alarm clock without his "morning appendage" poking you in the back at 6AM.

6. It doesn't matter who visits whom,*someone* is violating their parole.

5. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first" crap is really only more...

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
Wrap yourself in Christmas more...

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Suicidal blonde
A blonde girl got so mad about blonde jokes she decided to kill herself.
She finds a suitable tree and proceeds to hang herself by the ankles.
Two guys come over and say, "Are you trying to kill yourself?"
The blonde replies, "Yes, I am."
One of the men says, "Then shouldn't you hang the rope on your neck instead of your ankles?"
The blonde says, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

1. San Diego police department, how may we help you?
2. Hi! Would you like to buy a new sofa, fridge or car? What about a vacuum?
3. Hello earthling. I am an alien. You may not know this, but right now, I am having sex with your ear.
4. Let your child answer the phone and tell them to say this: "Will you be my friend?"
5. Burp into the phone.
6. Fart into the phone.
7. Yes, I'd like to order one large mushroom pizza, and cheese sticks...
8. Hello, the president is not in his office at this moment, this is his secretary, can I take a message?
9. Saddam Hussein's headquarters. May I ask why you are calling?
10. Konnichiwa. Aji tunti wahika nu popo bwah? Bunwaf huji toe... (you get the point.)
11. Nobody's home! (hang up)
12. Push random buttons on the phone and make music with the beeps, don't stop until they hang up.
13. Be a pest, say "Why are you trying to sell me stuff?" listen to their response. Say more...

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How more...

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm more...