Hashem Jokes

The rabbi is speaking to his lower East Side congregation and he says, "with Hashem's help we shall walk but first, we must crawl." The congregation replies to the Rebbe with exclamations of "ahmein Rabbi, im yirtze Hashem we shall crawl."
The rabbi then says, "and soon, we will run but before we can run, with Hashem's help, we must firts walk. Again, the pious members of the minyan all reply, "im yirtze Hashem, we shall walk."
The rabbi then works himself into a rhetorical frenzy as he exclaims, and we shall reach the promised land. Hashem shall provide but first we must run. The ecstatic congregation gleefully shouts back ahmein rabbi, we shall run. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall run."
The rabbi concludes his sermon by stating, "and we will reach that promised land if you dig deep into your hearts and checkbooks and make a generous pledge to the building fund!!" The congregation then replies, crawl Rabbi, crawl. I'm yirtze more...

mr cohen was a jewish g-dfearing man who always trusted Hashem.one day his house went on fire while he was sleeping.he woke up to see a fireman inside the burning building and the fireman said "come with me and you will be safe"
no said mr cohen hHashem will save me.
the fireman left.then a helicopter comes along and a man steps out and said come with us to saftey.
no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.away goes the helicopter.
then a crane comes along and a man says come with us.
no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.
mr cohen dies and goes to heaven and he asks Hashem.
why did i die i was the only one who trusted you.
and hhHashem said i sent you everything i could to help you what more do you want?

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands.
The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of HaShem!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

There was a new car in the market that instead of putting the gear in drive, reverse, park etc.. when you say Shema Yisrael the car stops and when you say baruch Hashem the car goes. so a person went to try it out and he liked it. so he bought it. A few years later he fell of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop, so when he was falling hre prayed to hashem and said shema yisrael. so the car stopped. then after he said Baruch Hashem!!! (that the car stopped)