Hell Jokes / Recent Jokes
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his lists and says "Ah; you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the dismal level of comfort in hell so he begins designing some improvements. He uses the fires of hell to generate electricity. He uses the electricity to manufacture things.
After a while they've got air conditioning and manufacturing plants. There he makes flush toilets and escalators. He wires hell with phones.
Needless to say the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies "Hey things are going great! Couldn't be better. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies more...
One white guy went to the bathroom to pee.
He saw a black guy at the next urinal with a huge penis.
White guy said " wow! brother, you gotta huge pecker"
Black guy just grinned and said "Why thank you, man.
Would you like to know how you could have one too?
"Hell yes," replied the white man as dreams of all the
women he could have danced through his head.
"Well, tell you what you do... you lay your dick out on
the table, grease it up real good with some butter...
and smack it REAL hard between two bricks," stated the
coon without even flinching.
The white guy raised his brow and winced in pain, "Are
you sure, man?! That has to hurt like hell!!!"
The spook just grinned, "Nah, just hurts the first few
times, but damn it's worth it, let me tell you. I have
at least 6 women each week now that I have this huge
talleywacker!"
"Six women? Goddamn! I more...
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says,' 'When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say' hell' and you say' ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies,' 'Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,' 'And what would YOU like for breakfast?''' 'I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers,' 'but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan, "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle. They're too wet to burn yet."
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said,' 'St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!'' St. Peter said,' 'My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.'' This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said,' 'Are you sure I'm in the right place?'' 'My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''
What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
There was a lady who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late! ”
They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for him. They got married - and now she is going through HELL!
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating more...