Hell Jokes / Recent Jokes
The fundies keep telling me I'm going to Hell and they're going to Heaven. If they aren't there, it won't be Hell, so I guess we're all going to the same place!
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said' Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said' Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but more...
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya` don`t give up you`re drinkin` and it`s to Hell I`ll take ye`". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I`m the divil ya` damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I`m married to yer sister."
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and thehitch-hiker wakes up,"what the hell was that?". The truck driverreplies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?","some kinda animal again."Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?","Some bastard!". "How terrible", says the hitch-hiker, "but there were3 bangs"The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fencesto get the bastard.. . "
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about more...
A desi dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in anelectric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other more...
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her,she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You want to go hell", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"
"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."