Hey Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone more...

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on anextremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "heyhow come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how comewe do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita myhand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says "hita my hand as hard as you can.. . "

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct more...

Banta Singh had a bitter quarrel with his wife. In his anger he prayed loudly "Hey Bhagwan! mujhey uttha ley - Lord take me away from this world."
Mrs. Banta Singh retaliated: "Hey Bhagwan! mujhey uttha ley."
Banta Singh quickly amended his prayer: "Hey Bhagwan! tu iskee sun lay- O Lord, grant her prayer."

* I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
* I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out.
* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
* Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
* Sorry Boss I can't come into work today... my spirit guide says work is for losers!
* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.
* I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
* I can't more...

1. 1. Uh, hey baby.
2. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said "come."
3. You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let's like get into each other's life or whatever.
4. Uh, like let's drop all the uh B. S. and like, you know, do it.
5. Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
6. What's your sign? Is it "Yield"? Huh huh huh huh.
7. Would you like carry my books for me?
8. If I said you were sexy, would you hold your body against me?
9. I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
10. My lips are registered weapons.
11. I'm not trying to pick you up. You're like too heavy. Huh huh huh huh. Get it?
12. If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public.
13. If you need a love doctor, I have like a medicated degree.
14. If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me.' Cause I'm like a sex machine.
15. If you're really hot, I bet more...

Insert your fafourite ethnic minority in place of "?" Three Italians and three "?" were eating lunch one day while griping about how much they hated working in the factory. Finally, one Italian said to the other two Italians, "Hey, I got an idea-when the boss comes in, we'll do something so crazy that he'll fire us. Then we won't have to working in this shit hole."
Half an hour later, they saw the boss coming. The three Italians climbed up to the rafters and hung upside down.
The boss took one look and shouted, "Hey, what in hell do you think you're doing?"
"We're light bulbs," the Italians said.
"You're crazy," the boss snorted. "And you're fired. Get out of here."
The Italians left. A couple of minutes later, the three "?" gathered and began to follow.
"Where in the hell are you going?" the boss bellowed.
One "?" replied, "We can't work in the more...