"EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING TO WORK" joke

* I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
* I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out.
* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
* Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
* Sorry Boss I can't come into work today... my spirit guide says work is for losers!
* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.
* I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
* I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
* If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
* My stigmata's acting up.
* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
* I prefer to remain an enigma.
* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.