Disorder Jokes

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm more...

AFROPHOBIA
Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five).
PSEUDONYMHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.
DEJA FLU
The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA
Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your
credit limit.
ALPOPLEXY
Canine feeding disorder.
STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME
Excessive displays of affection.
SONSTROKE
An attack during the reading of a will
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome.
RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS
Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida more...

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth. Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost
499. Q: And where is more...

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you more...

When I began writing this letter, I had the notion that I would write about something positive and optimistic instead of going on about how homophobic Mr. Osama Bin Laden is. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything particularly positive to write about. So, instead, I'll just tell you that words fail me in describing my pure distaste for Osama's sermons and brainless practices. In the text that follows, when I quote from Osama, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications, and which I have edited out. Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that he says he's going to shower bloodthirsty traitors with undeserved praise quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "ultracentrifugation". Is he out of his mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that he dreams of a time when he'll be free to brand me as more...